I want it all banned!

I keep reading and hearing about all these different programs and militant idealists who want to control every facet of our lives from what we eat, smell like, drive etc...

and I don't think they go far enough.

Examples:

The other day I was at the grocery store and I had to go down the aisle containing the donuts and snack cakes to get to the broccoli and there was this person, who was so big, I couldn't get me and the cart past them.  I suddenly realized that in order to control obesity in America we need a strong ban.

I suggest we put a ban on spoons and forks.

My neighbor was getting his grass cut recently and when I stepped outside I actually sneezed from the smell of fresh cut grass and the dust in the air.  I was offended that he was having his grass cut so close to my domicile. It's even worse when the leaf blower kicks in.

I suggest we put a ban on landscaping

I was on an elevator the other day when a very attractive woman got on, she smelled very good too. I noticed the creepy weirdo in the corner immediately put his hands in his pockets and was drooling.

I suggest that all women wear brown sofa covers and WD-40 cologne from now on to keep the weirdo's in check.

While attending a local carnival/festival I noticed that there were no stands offering carob coated celery or peas on a stick but there were plenty of stands offering hamburgers, waffles and ice cream.
This is not helping Americans control their urges.

I suggest we ban all stands at all fairs and festivals unless they only offer gluten free, fat free, sugar free, meat free, cholesterol free, and taste free products because we have no self control.


Sub-consciously, while I am sleeping late at night, I must be hearing a train whistle as it goes through town and it is making me dream of Choo Choo Charlie and Good n Plenty candy which then makes me want to eat sugar coated cereal when I wake up and we can't have that.

I suggest we ban all train movement in the country after 9pm